Sunday, March 14, 2010

And Now That I've Resumed My Human Form

...what the heck??

Last night, beset with fear and anxiety, I cried like I haven't cried in a long time, going from a trickle and culminating in ugly noises gulped into a damp napkin.  Now my eyelids are like golfballs, not my most fetching look.  I have no idea what happened, but I just got situation has not changed, though it lingers in the midst of not-yet-accomplished long term goals.  Things here are actually good, positive, progressing.

So...what fears and anxieties?  I can't even write about them...or I get fearful and anxious.  Thankfully they are nothing so bad as to require the wearing of green drapes for a ballgown or crawling across sun-scorched earth declaring "I'll never go hungry again."

I think I'm better now.  I'm breathing through my nose again and not feeling the urge to drown my hormonal fluctuations in frequent applications of Jalapeno Poppers from Sonic (well, AS much).  I am still doing my green smoothies, still doing better at All Things Eating except Jalapeno Poppers at Sonic.  Have I mentioned Jalapeno Poppers at Sonic?

I've been turning over a lot of important things in my mind lately.  Never underestimate the impact of The Examined Life, I suppose.  It might drive you to jalapenos.

I just wrote about it here in a post, twice, and deleted.

It's time to clean house for Passover.  Maybe my little outburst was a subliminal reaction to the prospect of de-funking the depths of my fridge?  Maybe I'll find something amazing to hand-loom from the copious quantities of dog hair I know are lurking beneath my bed and in every forgotten corner.  Nevermind that I don't know how to handloom anything and that deep cleaning dusty hairy areas makes me itch non-stop...I suffer for my art, ha!

I crave homegrown tomatoes.  So begins the disintegration of our No Garden policy for this year.  I look outside and see the mess that needs to be cleaned up from the past freezes, and I just want to toss everything in the trash and see ORDER somewhere.  I know the bermuda is dormant for only a little bit longer before it plots with the fire ants to take over our world.  I don't know if we will have all the cleanup done in time before the clash begins in earnest again and the sun melts our innards.  I am SO enjoying this cool weather!

Make it last make it last make it last just a little longerrrrrrrrr......


P.S.  I will, truly, use my camera soon and begin posting pics again.  But first, to declutter enough to find it...



Rita said...

If it makes you feel better I do not lose my camera. I love my camera. It is lost in the clutter in my home and I've not seen it for at least 2 months. My life is a shambles in so many ways. And yet....I am grateful for what I have. And I can tell you are too!

Robbyn said...

Yep, I am! I think whatever erupted from my hormone locker, it hopefully is the impetus I need to pull a lot of organization together just in the nick of time. Hey, I can now find my computer, ha! :)

Renee said...

I found your blog and wanted you to know that anxiety, fear and panic attacks are part of my daily life. It is hard way to live... I know..keep breathing through you nose that really does help. I have started taking B complex and exercising some..stay away from sugar:)

You will be in my thoughts...


Wendy said...

I know this feeling. As much as I like to think we're ready for anything, the truth is that I'm pretty sure we're not. We'll get through, I'm sure, but maybe not as unscathed as I like to hope, and the curtain reference - an all too familiar fear (although I should probably upgrade my curtains, because the one's I have ... ;).

I hope your anxiety wasn't fueled by anything I said ;).