Saturday, May 31, 2014

A Long Ramble

I'm home alone tonight while Jack is at work, and I'm feeling reflective.

I think and overthink a lot during the quiet hours.  I've had a lot of quiet hours.

After a long road of physical  nosedive, we concluded enough tests to eliminate some of the bad boys...cancer, lupus, MS, Lyme disease, and so on.  I was very relieved, and so was Jack.  Now we're in a strange no-man's-land of a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.  Apparently it's been building for the last 20 years or so, with flare-ups and then periods of functionality, all of which I put under the vague headings of not being active enough, being overweight, not eating enough veggies and so on.  The attempts to heal have been varied and many over the years, for what? I was never sure.

When I went in last December to the ER thinking I was in the middle of a heart attack, and knowing it was not a panic attack, that terrified me.  It was completely beyond my control, and I don't like that, ever.  Pair that with a cyclically inflamed knee (torn meniscus) ranging from being able to walk for shorter periods of time to being unable to walk without a walker...and you have a very sad Me.  I was very very sad.

And I lay on the couch, unable to get up.  I could not stay in a sad place the whole time, I don't want to get lost there.  I got to live in a space I have not been in a long time...a place of quiet and stillness.  Always we were scrambling to work, to pay for repairs for vehicles so we could continue to work, and in the job I had for the past three years (gratefully!) to be a caregiver and companion,  I guess I did not realize how "up" I tried to keep myself as I cared for the two octogenarian ladies I cared for (same location) at that time.  I was the caregiver, confidante, soother, errand-runner, problem-solver, and ultimately grief stabilizer for both ladies.  I was there for the moments of emergencies, hospital stays, and ultimately death.  That pulled so much from inside me, an interior world I never knew could rise to those challenges till the tests came.  And I am grateful to God for the honor, as well.  I think it was the right time, the right situation, and taught me so many lessons.  It was a gift that I still don't fully understand yet, but still cherish.  After three years of 12 hour shifts, I was tired myself.

After they died, no assignment was the same.  There is always an adjustment between long term client assignments and getting to know someone else's needs, and I pushed to rise to that level of competence.  It did not come easily.  I found that after a day's work, I would come home so much in pain that I could not walk (the knees) the next day, or with an exhaustion that made me wonder if I'd actually wake back up once I went to sleep that night.  But I just equated all of that with the "same-ole, same-ole"....needing to get healthier and so on.  I kept my smile, my enthusiasm was real, and I wore my game face.  I am a professional.

During the off days, we would take the ones we could to go do work at the land, i.e. the farm, which was slow going because of our learning curve and the fact Jack was doing most of the actual labor himself.  Still, it did our hearts good to see progress being made!  The dream of a more self sufficient life removed from many of the expenses it takes to live where we currently do still burns perpetually within us.  We do not romanticize it.  We plan and work for and pray for it.  It got to where I was so exhausted after my regular work days that when we went to the land, there were times I had to just sit out any activity.  That progressed to having to lie down.  That is NOT me.  Looking back on it I see a progression, but during those days all I thought was "tired!"  Then came the night I thought I was having a heart attack, and could not stop the escalation.  Then the ER.

We are in too vulnerable position financially.  The ER visit expenses did not help.  Initially, I think we both panicked.  It became clear I could not return to work, and the panic in my heart was real, a real grief when realizing how that would affect the progress of our mutual efforts to get to the farm, to get it set up enough with just the most basic of basics for us to move there in any form.

I could not do anything there for many weeks but lie in bed or on the couch.  I'm not much of a crybaby.  But tears would stream out of the corners of my eyes, especially seeing how Jack just remained calm and carried on.  I could see the impact of this changed situation, and feel the added weight on his shoulders.  To his credit, he only showed frustration or panic a couple times.  We are very open about everything with each other.  He told me the truth:  God is in control of this and life happens to us all. (I knew this).  He was calm.  I said "what's the plan from here?"  He said "same plan, we just stay steady as possible."  And again, the tears just squeezed their way out of the corners of my eyes.

Then something happened, slowly, as the days progressed.  I talked to God a lot.  Sometimes out loud, but mostly in my mind, where the thoughts go too quickly or not organized enough to really verbalize them.  He quieted things and I began to think of this as a Quiet Place.  I could not pump myself up, leap over this hurdle, pretend I felt better than I did, push myself the way I always had.  I had no choice.  Don't get me wrong...it's not my nature.  I'm an overcomer, even in the times when it's been with reluctance to pick up and try again.  Just dash me with a hot shower, let me caffienate, jump into my clothes and pep talk myself beyond the physical discomfort and "get 'er done!"  That's how I roll.  Or rolled...

Anyway, I won't belabor this.  This has been humbling.  And I stopped to just be grateful.  That I'm still here.  Perpetually thankful for this husband I can't believe is so amazing, steady, loving.  Noticing the things I'd never had the time to just sit (or lie down) and notice...looking out the back french door windows and seen things green up, seeing what birds were singing, seeing how simple things boiled down to...eating, showering, clothes, bathroom, sleep.  Humbling.  Even walking was not taken for granted.  Noticing the levels of discomfort as they ramped up to pain, and the relief when they abated.

How did we ever decide to get the bees?

I lay there on this couch, not feeling well enough to blog or check facebook or do emails, not even to read a book.  So I closed my eyes and thought "what can I still do to help us get to the land?"  It's always in my mind.  I turned on youtube to listen to things, and remembered that I had always been intimidated with the idea of keeping bees, but remained curious.  Every time I'd picked up a book in the past, hoping to grasp the terminology or the understanding of how a hive functions, a few pages in I was intimidated by the unfamiliar terms and the seeming complexity.  So in my enforced couch-dwelling, I decided to put on some long-play talks on basic beekeeping.  That's how something took root and began to grow.

I was on that couch many, many days.  My mind had to do something even if the rest of me couldn't.  And so I continued to play long youtube bee videos.  I had plenty of questions and was still so lost in the terminology after a point.  So I'd just re-listen. I kept hearing people assure others how easy beekeeping really was...easier than keeping a hamster or a cat, they said.

In that quiet place of resignation and just leaning in to what I had no control over, in that stillness, I grew to love the bees.  Some clarity began to take shape, slowly.  I began to understand some of the basic needs and to see that there was a lot of unpredictability, but within it, a timeless simplicity.  People have been "befriending" bees from the beginning of recorded history.  And this became a thought, a consideration.  An idea, which was something I COULD do...to learn, even if passively.  And hope was planted in my heart again.

I'll stop here for now. There is a part two.  But this is part one...the quiet place of relinquishing control I never truly had in the first place, of gratefulness, of slowness, and of pain and a big stop sign to pause the fast forward my days had been paced like before.  Closed doors one direction, open ones another.  And stillness.

I'm grateful for a home to rest in, a couch to lie on, a husband who loves me like I could never have hoped, a daughter I get to connect with nearly every day.  Friends, who care.  Whatever this is all meant to mean, and I don't know what that is, I am glad the clock stopped where I could feel the presence of a world suspended for a time and realize I never had any control in the first place.  This all is God's goodness.  He has been so, so good to us.  I can't explain how the losses of the past years, not just this bump in the road, have left me humble.  And grateful.  Somehow He sits with me in that quiet place and I can hurt or have joy, and it's ok.  It's ok when it's not ok...sometimes the miracle is that there is life at all and when we wake up, there is another day.  And that all we actually have or hold is now, this moment, and nothing else is guaranteed.

I watch golden showers of bees dancing in the mid-afternoon sunlight and it's joy.  I hope they feel mine.


Friday, May 30, 2014

Bee Installation





The last week of March was when our empty hives finally were filled with bees!

At first we had planned to buy a nuc from a beekeeping friend we met when we responded to a craigslist ad advertising treatment-free raw honey.  Bob was really nice and is a true lover of honeybees.  He often does bee removals, which is how he gets some of his colonies.  He had put together a few nucs to sell, and we were planning on starting outs with a couple of his nucs.

It goes to show "you never  know about bees" (Pooh quote :))

The day before I called him to confirm a date to pick up our nucs, ALL his bees had disappeared.  All but a few in one hive.  He was gobsmacked.  And obviously we had to find another source.

Again with craigslist, there was a lead that we followed.  We bought two 5-frame  nucs from a local beekeeper (commercial) and it included delivery and installation.  They were to be delivered in two days and we had  not prepared a base to put under the hives yet.  So we scrambled to Lowe's and bought some concrete blocks and other stuff, but only ended up using the concrete block.  I basically stacked them two high and made a solid platform for the hives, since they still seemed a little wobbly when I tried them just on two smaller stacks of blocks.  We may figure something else out later down the road, but nothing is going to be pushing these over for now.

And late one Thursday afternoon, Kyle arrived with our bees!

These are the pics of his installing them, along with his assistant.  He had enclosed the queens in cages, and they were already proven queens and were with the specific nuc in which they'd already been raising brood.  The queen cages were attached between two frames of brood and were released (again) by the bees outside the cage eating their way through a sugar plug to free the queen(s).  The 5 frames were installed and the additional empty frames added to the sides to make two hives with 10 frames each.  The foundation we went with this time was the black ritecell plastic foundation coated with some beeswax, per Bob's recommendation and several other local beeks.  Next time around, we may go with honey super cell, but as far as cost went, this time we could afford the other.

Next installment soon...on the learning curve of the beekeeper (us!!)...and how I came to understand what orientation flights really were...ha!

We are loving these little fuzzy flying ladies...they are a joy!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


It's been a long time since I've written about life at our place.
I've been ill for a long time, and yet there is much good to tell.
I'll try to reflect on a few of those things in upcoming posts!

In the meantime, say hello to the wonderful ladies now living in the backyard... :)

.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Book Review -- Gift it from Scratch

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, from Gift it from Scratch by Katie Lapcevic
I'm delighted to review the new cookbook, Gift it from Scratch by Kathie Lapcevic,  blogger maven at Homespun Seasonal Living!

Kathie is always a treasure trove of new ideas, practical solutions, and endless creativity.  This new book of hers, offered as an e-book,  is no different.  It focuses on food gifts made from scratch and offers so many ideas with each recipe.  She gives suggestions for assembling care packages and gifts thoughtfully, and how to pair items to personalize them.  Variations are offered to tweak recipes according to available ingredients and personal tastes.  And the scope of recipe categories offers something for everyone -- breads, both yeasted and quick types, heartier comfort foods, cookies, cakes, muffins, snacks and crackers, and so much more!

I'm enthusiastic about this book because each recipe is not only well-tested, but is a standby in Kathie's own kitchen.  This carries a lot of weight with me, as I prefer much-loved recipes with a history and proven track record.  Gift it from Scratch delivers.  I also appreciate that the recipes call for ingredients that can be easily found right in the pantry.  I'm inclined to cook something with ingredients close at hand.  I feel like I just inherited a treasured family heirloom, and I can't wait to bake my way through the book.

I began with the family recipe Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, a classic.  They were very good, and the instructions flexible enough for me to have some of them my way, soft and chewy, and for my husband to have the others his way, crunchy.  I managed to get one photo.  You'll have to take my word for it, they were great.  There is no evidence left of that first batch! ha

This little book will be a catalyst for inspiration when tailoring meaningful, memorable gifts.  Making something with our own two hands transforms ordinary ingredients into something more than the sum of their parts.  It's the difference between grabbing fast food on the go and coming home to a house warm with delicious kitchen smells and the comfort of a hearty welcome.  Baking homemade gifts extends that home-style kitchen welcome far beyond the boundaries of our own four walls.  Kathie offers suggestions about affordable gift items to pair with the baked goods to personalize gifts or tailor them to specific occasions or life events.   I found the possibilities endless, and I'll be adopting some of these myself.

So what are you waiting for??  Get your own copy.  Mine is already initiated with a few spills from actually using it!  Also the author of the blog Two Frog Home, Kathie is familiar to many homesteading and other bloggers and blog readers.  Her book is a fantastic resource, and would  make a delightful gift itself to pair with some of the wonderful baked creations you'll find in it.  Congratulations to Kathie for opening her kitchen to us!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

I've been silent here a while because they say when you don't have something good to say, keep quiet.
Because I have been feeling as if I am "that" person...

Honestly, if I were to list all the things for which I am grateful, they would be endless.  In EVERY day there are those blessings, starting with the profound one of being able to wake up in the morning anew.

We've had lessons on not taking that for granted these last few weeks.

Last year, I just struggled to feel good, and physically just never did.  I tried many different things beginning with mind over matter.  A good mental boost (read a kick in the pants) is often what I need to motivate myself beyond initial startup.  Towards the end of last year, though, I had enough trouble it began affecting my ability to work my shifts.  My torn meniscus (knee) has never healed, either.  I have felt I'm becoming "that" person...the one with always a reason (excuse??) why I can't do this or that, or having to sideline things I want to do myself (having to ask for help now), or "special accommodations" for what's beginning to see like a dang disability.

I would mentally pep talk myself into How Not to Be a Wimp, and I would try to fulfill beyond my own and my agency's expectations (not to mention my clients) on the days I did work outside the home.  At home, I was so wiped out that things around here just collected dust and did not get maintained by me as I'd like.  In fact a lot of things never got done.  This is the perfect way for me to feel extremely lousy about my contribution to my life and my family's and friends' lives.  I may be harder on myself than anyone else.  Jack certainly never expressed any complaints, but that just made me feel guiltier.

I think the past few weeks have been another lesson in trusting God, and in humility.  Sometimes being humbled is straight-up being brought low.  Sometimes life pulls the plug.  Sometimes we are sidelined.

The ER visit at the end of last year was a costly one, poorly timed...are those things ever timed better?  Shame and panic overwhelmed me.  I pride myself on being dependable and on doing a good job.  Already not operating at optimum (and constantly having to hide it or compensate for the knee, the feeling lousy, etc, w hile maintaining a level of excellence outwardly at work that I did NOT feel inside myself...ugh)...I still took jobs because we needed the money...I needed to push through...something would surely give, right?  And then I just couldn't.  We thought I'd had a heart attack and afterwards I could simply not function, not get out of bed for more than a few hours at a time.  Try explaining that without giving a workplace a reason not to give you future work.  I'm a very private person and DON'T like to give out personal info (which I seem to be doing just now, hmmm...why does the internet still feel more anonymous??)  At any rate, I was grounded.

I hate feeling like "that" person, whoever "that" is...

January was spent in bed.  So were the first weeks on February.  I could not get up for more than a few hours before my body just quit and left me no choice.  There was no inner backup to draw from.  This scared me and really scared Jack.  I cried a lot over  having no choice in the matter.  We investigated  insurances and other options.  We consulted a lot of different knowledgeable people, as we were able. 

In the end, our options are very limited, and I'll leave it at that. I did discover that privacy is very important to us, and that I don't want advice from well meaning sources unrelated to our private lives.  And I will say that healthcare dot gov is not the holy grail that the current administration tries to promote it as, even for those of us who need give it serious consideration.  In the end it's MY CHOICE.  I resent the dangling piano overhead of an IRS penalty if that choice for me does not include mandatory insurance care.  That's all I'll say about that.

I am grateful to have a very good doctor who has worked to have other options available.  It does not equate to  free healthcare nor any burden on the private sector.  I've mentioned it before, but it's called the Epiphany program and it covers a very broad range of healthcare basics.

Anyway, back to life...


My doc did some investigative labwork and chose a few things for us to address.  Then, for the first time since I can remember, Jack and I got the REAL flu.  It was a bad boy.  The fever and ugliness phase lasted a week and the bronchitis phase lasted  another.  We are  now fully Gatoraded and coughdropped.  Thank you, Halls...thank you to my daughter who plied us with cold cures from afar <3 Thank you to Bounty that DOES quicker-pick-you-up when the Kleenex run out... What does a person do when your body quits on you for hours at a time and you can only stay in the bed or on the couch?  Well, we don't have TV and one can watch only so much Netflix or even facebook.

Change has happened inside me as a result of weeks of enforced rest.  I hadn't realized it was time for some changes, and some things I think I 'd been waiting for some indication from God as far as specific direction.  Some things I had to war with myself about...whether to stick with some things or to go a different way.  Some things I had to let go and not understand at all.

I'll write more specifically about those things.  I had to let go of a lot of fear and realize I have little control over things when it comes right down to it.  I got a chance to read a lot, talk to God a lot, and do more listening or just being quiet than anything else.

I think I needed that.  I needed the quiet and to listen.

I hope I'm on the other side of this dark and stormy night.  I'm feeling better enough to feel human, which I hadn't in quite some time.  I've had to let some things go, let some expectations of myself go, and to allow myself to be...well whatever I can in the now, without apologies.  I've had to be honest about some things I just shrugged off as "business as usual" when really deep inside myself I've been troubled at times.

I got to see how some  people treat me when I can't offer them anything or couldn't be of use to them just now, even though I've done nothing but good for them or their business in the past,  And I really appreciate the good friends we have who encourage us in God during those dark times.  Those friends become like family moreso than many of my actual extended family members.  I thank God for them.

Here's to calmness and clarity.  We are all fragile, whether we think so or not.  Life each day is a gift, whether it feels that way or not at the time.  People are to be treasured and respected.  Our own hearts' desires are also to be nurtured and  protected and put gently in God's hands.

I've learned that He is present in the dark nights.  I  knew that from before, and did not doubt it.  But He is my actual Father...an actual God who is an actual Father.  I poured out my distresses to Him and in some things I continue to.  Whatever sense that I make of the dark times, or don't, He has never been the one to let me down or let my husband down.  All that we have that is good is from Him and He keeps us during the confusing and frightening times.

If I don't take anything away from this but a realization of His goodness, that is enough.

There is more, and I'll write about it.  But His goodness is dayeinu (enough)...to overflowing.

Grateful to still be here, be feeling better, have a roof over our heads, have beautiful husband/daughter/friends....

What does today hold, or tomorrow?  I don't know.  But God will be sufficient for it.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

This Man


This man.
I just don't have the words to express how much I love him, and even moreso,  how much he loves me.

He loves me by digging post holes by hand, because we have to do it that way right now.  It's the only way it can get done, so he does it, even when it exhausts him.
He loves me by telling me to rest, to keep off my bad knee, though a lot of times I don't listen to him, and then he loves me enough to realize I'm stubborn and really like to work beside him.
I don't do as much.  I paint the fence posts with tar, or hold a post he's trying to position or balance one while he makes the hole deeper.
He never asks me to push myself, and it makes me want to more.

He worries about our future, my future.  He works hard in the now.  He worries about my health, and I worry about his.  We try to better our health together, and sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we have an extra slice of pie together.

I can't imagine my life without him.  I don't have to...I already lived too many years without him prior to our ever meeting, and I don't want to go back.
I love that he always showers before bed...always.  He loves getting grimy and sweaty and using his physical strength.  And then he loves to get clean and relax.
He usually loves my cooking.  And I love to share that with him, and so many other things.  Countless things that are just him, and that have, this past 9 years, become us.

We looked at the tomato seed packets that arrived in the mail, gleefully.  We could almost taste the little multicolored cherry tomatoes in our minds.  He was as excited as I was...sugarplums dancing our our heads.  Sugarplums that can be planted, nurtured, watched, and if reaching maturity, eaten...and then the seeds saved for future plantings.  Dancing in our imaginations and in our future reality.
That prostrate plant is the wild muscadine that has fruit all over it
 I was in the ER this weekend, and that was unexpected.  I'm not an ER person, so this was a last resort.  We have no idea what expenses will arise as a result -- I am uninsured.  When I stabilized, I chose to leave and to try some followup through my own doctor.  We did check into the Obamacare insurance.  If we signed up today, it would not cover us until early February, so those decisions will have to wait a few days till  we get more facts.

Any trip to the ER jeopardizes our ability to get safe, to get to the land.  Getting to the land is what we equate with some level of safety both financially and practically.  Those who do not think like us will not understand, will not understand why we have to keep trying to do it, to make that happen.  They will not understand our choices, what we go without, what we keep in place, why we carve any spare time up with trips an hour away to do a few hours work, mostly Jack's own labor, to inch-by-inch Make A Place.


We need to finish the fence.  That's a huge project, because it's all on Jack.  It's being done by hand.  Then we need to do some  more clearing, dig a well, put up a panel and have a temporary pole (electric) run, then buy a used trailer.  At that point, we're IN.  We NEED to be IN.  After IN is dig out a cow pond, put calves on the acreage, get bees, plant trees, field plants, medicinals, and...so on, with joy in each step.  But getting IN, that is the priority.

I'm praying for a tractor.  As impractical as it might seem to pray for one out of the blue, too bad...it's the one piece of equipment that seems to be most needed in various capacities.  One which we cannot afford to buy even used, but can be prayed about nonetheless.  God tells us to ask for what we need, and I look at my husband, his ability and his age and the fact I don't want him to become injured, and I ask for a tractor.  I'm used to being redirected in my requests if they are not wise or timely.  And we're both used to working instead of waiting around for golden sunbeams and pixie dust.  But God has answered so many of our prayers in ways that exceeded our expectations, and He is our true father.

I pray that I will be ok, that He grants me and also grants Jack the wisdom to know what health actions to take, what tests to agree to have run, to  know when it's ok to forgo them and just live the best we know how.

I do not want to break the bank, to risk our future, to put more financial burdens on Jack.  He works for my future...I work for his.  I feel  he carries the lion's share, and now he's a little scared after that ER visit.  He wants me around, and I want him to live beyond beyond. 

This man, he is my heart, he is my miracle from YHVH's hand.

Every one of these posts that are now in the ground are not just the beginnings of a fence.  They are acts of love.  With every shovelful of sand and grubbing hoe severing a root system, it's "I love you."

I pray that this refuge he cherishes for our future and willed to existence through prayer and sweat and sore muscles...and laughter and shared wonder and blue skies and endless loads of supplies and tools...I pray that it comes to be.  Because it is the desire of his heart.  I am the desire of his heart, and I am humbled, daily.  I am in love with this man and life with him.  I thank God daily for the miracle, and I close my ears to anyone who does not understand it enough to be happy with our endeavor...this love I may never have had and may never have had to give were it not for God's mercy and goodness to me, to us.

I need for those who understand to pray for my husband's success and blessings to pour upon him.  He is truly a friend of the Almighty.  And he is my beloved.

YHVH hasten all Your blessings upon this man.  Your man.  My man.  My very heart.