Craigslist and Canning Jars, Actual Responses

Having read some other folks' glowing reports of posting want ads on Craigslist and of their being bestowed with a bounty of canning equipment, I tried my hand at it for the first time.  I've browsed Craigslist before, and we found a buyer for a past vehicle of ours that way, but I've never submitted a want ad.
Here's pretty much what my posting said, and these are the exact wordings of the actual emails I received in reply  today.  Craigslist has been a fulfilling experience in every way so far.  Here's how our ad read:

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(The ad, minus my personal location)

Need Canning Supplies

I am looking for inexpensive or free canning supplies for home canning, especially canning jars and a pressure canner. I am not a professional -- I just need to feed my family affordably and want to do like my grandmothers did and put away some food throughout the year. I can be contacted via email, thank you! :-) 

(craigslist email hyperlink)

 

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I had no idea how provocative I am in print!  I mean, I guess the Need Canning Supplies tagline is the ultimate Craigslist pheromone, and I am the jar-less naughty Nannette of the Florida swampland.

I am greatly honored to have been contacted by these notables who took time from their busy schedules to drop me a quick Craigslist line.  (Please note how subject-appropriate are there responses to "Need Canning Supplies").  Without further ado, the email responses to my want ad:

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Sender:  Mathis Smyre

 Message:  (hyperlink deleted) -- you can reach me.  No fakes keep that in mind.

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The scrupulous Ms. Smyre prefers the minimalist approach to parting with her used canning jars and will conscience no fakes.  No fake what? Is Ms. Smyre referring to fakes as in fake parts?  I can't afford a knee replacement yet and I have acquired no other fake parts to date, not even the snazzy cosmetic sorts.  Yet. 

Let's see what else is in the In Box.

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Sender:  Vars Cabana

Message:  I'm intrigued in you and your ad. I need to find out more and was wondering if you could call/text me with where you live? Please get hold of my cell phone # on my private page, you have to signup first but no lies there's no charge. This way I am protecting my private information, I have cash set aside already. I just need to ask you something over the phone and check this is not a scam. Thanks! 

(hyperlink deleted)

 -Sent via my iPhone  

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This sender's name indicates he/she is most likely Swedish (Vars) and is checking the most important Canning Jar listings while throwing back a few fruity drinks at a tiki bar (Cabana).  He/she is intrigued with the idea of my needing canning jars. 

 

It appears urgent that I immediately call or text V.C. to tell him/her the exact location of my private house so that he/she can GoogleEarth me in zero point six seconds to find out exactly where the Canning Supply Deficient Zone is.  

 

To make sure I don't consider his/her invitation to share my private location too forward, I am invited to look for V.C.'s cell phone number after accessing a private page, signing up (oh goody, does the page need my social security number, I hope??)  

 

The requirement seems to be that I am not allowed to lie.  And there's no charge!!  See, there IS a reward for honesty!!  V.C. is thereby protecting his/her private information, because you KNOW that when some people ask for canning jars they really want canning jars AND a full rundown of the seller's medical history/offshore bank account numbers/names of children and what schools in which they're enrolled!  Gosh, I guess I'll have to settle for just canning jars.  Sigh.  

 

I am buoyed from wallowing in despair at this apparent setback by V.C.'s assurance that he/she has cash set aside already!  Wow...canning jars AND cash!!  V.C. just needs to ask me something over the telephone and make sure I'm not scamming him/her.  I wonder is there's a secret password or phrase I'll be given ahead of time so when we talk by phone, I can say "the eagle flies  by night" and those canning jars will be ALL MINE!!  Oh, goody!!!

But just in case this golden opportunity doesn't pan out, there's the next email:

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Sender:  Margosian Klawitter

Message:  Check this out if you're legit and go through my direction. My pix and cell phone # are uploaded on my non-public profile so if you like what you see then obtain my # and text/call me asap. This is the ONLY way to seperate pyschos and to double check you're a good guy especailly since I want to host at my home. Im not a bot so stop doubting me. If you think I am not real then move on. Im a sexual girl in bedroom so want to tell you over the phone what I am looking for in a guy rather than wasting my time and typing here. I just hope you are the real deal too! xoxo

(deleted hyperlink)

-Sent via my iPad

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You had me at Klawitter.  I had to Google it.  Under "A Brief History of Klawitter" I read that the name dates back to 1590 when the king of Poland granted an area of land to a man with that surname.  And the name Margosian is an Armenian patronym.  So obviously M.K. is a male Armenian Pole.  Or a male Polish Armenian. Who obviously wants to sell me some canning jars, hooray!!  

 

So the message goes on to instruct that if I am "legit" I will "go "through (his) direction."  What direction is Armenia from Florida?  Or would that be Poland?  Well, let's not get bogged down in details yet. 

 

He goes on to tell  me I can upload his cellphone number on his (squee!) NON-public profile so if I LIKE WHAT I SEE I can text or call him ASAP! Wow, I have to say this is very accommodating.  It's not just everyone who would  give me private access to a non-public profile for the purpose of downloading some rocking pics of a private canning jar stash!!! My cup overflows!!  

 

OK, Margosian goes on to say it is the only way to separate psychos and see if I'm a good guy since he wants to host at his home.  (I don't recommend separating psychos. Kind of like I don't recommend separating dogs in a dog fight.  But I digress.)  

 

Host what??  Wait, I know...A canning party!!  It's a canning party, folks!!  And of course, psychos are NOT welcome at canning parties (I always find they put a damper on things).

 

He says he is "not a bot."  I was not sure what this meant, so I looked it up.  A bot is the larva of the bot fly, an internal parasite to some farm animals.  Margosian, buck up, man.  Of course you're not a bot!  You'll hit your stride at the canning party and realize you shouldn't demean yourself with unfavorable comparisons with fly larvae.

 

But then we get to the disappointing part.  Oh dear.  Margosian is not a guy, she is a girl, probably under age and putting on too much eyeliner and lip gloss and typing on her Mom's IPad while her mom is fixing dinner (or canning!) and she is typing inappropriate things unbefitting a Canning Jar Responder.  Real deal? That's exactly what I'm looking for and don't seem to be making a lot of headway on...

But wait, perhaps one Klawitter is not like another!  Perhaps my Craigslist canning jar acquirement aspirations are not in vain...

The next email:

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Sender:  Holmes Klawitter

Message:  Read this if you are legit and go thru my direction. My photos and cell phone # are placed on my private profile so if you take delight in what you see then find my # and text/call me today. This is the ONLY way to prevent pyschos and to make sure you're a good man precisely since I want to host at my place. I am not a phony so stop questioning me. If you think I'm not real then leave me alone. Im a kinky chick in bedroom so rather tell you over the phone what I am trying to find in a man rather than wasting my time and typing here. I just hope you're the real deal too! xoxo

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Evidently Margosian (see former email) has...a brother, Holmes??  (Holmes, you should have a talk with your sister, she's derailing and in need of some good 4-H classes)  

 

These siblings' writings styles are either nearly identical or one of them lacks in the originality department.  Same instructions as the Margosian email, right down to the hosting the (canning??) party.

 

Holmes seems concerned that I not believe him to be a phony, too, and I am to stop questioning him.  What?  What if I need to ask you if the canning jars are perfect or chipped?  What if I need to know if they are pints, quarts, or half gallon?  What about if they're Mason, Ball, or Kerr??  OK, OK, I'll stop.  Anything for canning jars.

 

He encourages me to only proceed on my canning jar quest with him if I think he is real.  If  not, then leave him alone. Elementary, my dear Holmes.  I will have to focus, to deep breathe, to find my focal point and remember some of that Lamaze training.  I will have to suppress all my questions and reserve them for only those fleeting moments of pure crystalline canning jar enlightenment tainted with no doubts about your authenticity and sparkling with glittering rainbows and little pink dancing grass-fed unicorns!!  Done.  

 

Call Oprah.

I find the next sentence rather confusing.  You are a kinky chick in the bedroom??  I have no idea how baby chickens got into this conversation, nor bedrooms.  I don't care what poultry you prefer or where you keep your Rhode Island Reds, but I am a bit uncomfortable with the mention that you only are interested in selling canning jars to men and that anything else is a waste of your time.  Obviously you and your sister have some issues to resolve before you respond to any more Craigslist ads.  And chickens free-ranging in the bedroom, not the best idea, but you'll probably find that out soon enough.

Ah well.

One final email in the Inbox.  Let's not give up yet...I'm no easy quitter.

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Sender:  Tarka Lovensheimer

Message:  We are near to one another so why not meet up for alcoholic beverages in near future? I'm aware this is for sales but I could not withstand it, you sound incredible. Could we chitchat immediately, I have used this site prior and it's actually good - I was hoping we could get over there and find out each other much better! ;) I have already uploaded confidential photos for you, all you have to do is sign up (do not worry, there's no cost). I will message you as soon as I see you sign on. I promise you will NOT be unsatisfied! 

(deleted hyperlink)

-Sent via my IPad

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Tarka! I had to look your name up, too, and in Sanskrit it means Argument, but if you have some canning jars available, you'll get no argument from me!

 

Are we actually near each other?  If your name is Sanskrit I might have wrongly assumed you were on the Asian continent nearer India or Pakistan.  But it's amazing we're nearby!

How did that happen?  Are you the person in that car that keeps driving by my house at odd hours?  Gosh, well why didn't you just say so.  You know, don't be a stranger, stranger!

I appreciate the offer of meeting for drinks, but most of the time I'm just good for a good tall glass of strong iced tea.  It's the Southern in me (U.S., not Eurasia).  Tell you what, Jack and I will talk about where we can get the best glass of iced tea and you're welcome to join us.

This is for sales, what?  No, I'm buying...the canning jars, remember?  Love 'em, but I'm not a distributor.

 

You could not withstand the fact I sound incredible.  Hahahahahaha!!! Oh, dear, I get that all the time!  I'd be wayyy more incredible if you have some canning supplies I need...got any?  You want to chit-chat immediately?  So does my husband!!  He's very excited about the possibility.  I mean, we posted this want ad on craigslist, and nothing panned out up to this point, but WOW, this is great!

What, you sent us a link to a site?  HOW cool is THAT?  We just love to click on unsolicited links in emails (Yay!!! just LOVE those canning videos!!)

You were hoping you could get over here and find each other much better?  Well, we'll send you the link to the restaurant when we decide.  We just can't wait to comisserate with like-minded people like yourself about canning!  

 

It's SO interesting the variety of people you meet with common interests, isn't it?  (by the way, you never mentioned if you do have any canning supplies.  Bring them when we meet up.)  We'll make it a group reservation because I know others will want to join us.  There's the nice guy who heads up Neighborhood watch, he's great and wow, what tomatoes he grows.  And there's the lady down the street who's our go-to person and works with Homeland Security.  She jokes that her runner beans keep invading the border...don't take her comments personally.

Gosh, you've attached pictures of your canning supplies at NO COST??  Well, I figured you'd throw them in for free anyway once I decide which things I'm buying, but thanks.  

 

I look forward to your messaging my husband and me as soon as you sign on.  That might be a bit of a challenge since I am typing this from the public library and don't have a cell phone.  The best way to "message" my husband at work is to call his work number and ask his boss if you can speak with him.  If you get the switchboard, just select "Law Enforcement" and "Non-Emergency."  

 

Be sure to leave a detailed message and he or one of the other deputies will come to the phone as soon as possible, depending on how busy things are that day.  He'll even run a background on you for free! (Our thanks to you for all the free goodies you've sent us through email! ) 

We REALLY look forward to meeting you, talking canning, and seeing what canning goodies you have for sale.  Thanks for a REALLY positive experience with Craigslist!!

No need to promise us we won't be unsatisfied.  We hope you gain as much as we do from the meeting!  If not, Jack will handcuff you and run your tag  (hahaha, little uniform humor there to put you at ease!)

Look forward to seeing you soon!

The Lady Who Needs Canning Jars