Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Why I'm Not Here

Because if you don't have something good to say, supposedly you're better off keeping the trap shut.

So maybe I'll keep this short and cryptic. Which means the post will probably end up being long and nonsensical...ha :)

This is not the first time we have been at the Doh end of the learning curve, namely when it involves money, land interests, and high hopes...oh, and attorneys. I will not go into the specifics, but I have been feeling sucker-punched at a recent development...or lack of development, in which an attorney simply did not advocate with the facts she was given at the outset of our situation, and then tried to play it off later with a slant that was irrelevant...because she simply took our money and never HEARD and READ the details at the outset. And of course we have no recourse because we're tired of attorneys, it's a small town thereabouts and we don't want to burn any bridges...and blah blah blah. Oh, brother. Legal stuff, land stuff, blah blah blah. See? Not very specific, am I?

I keep many details out of this blog for privacy's sake, which makes it kind of hard sometimes since the blog's about our life and many of its ups and downs on this journey. The journey turns on our having useful land. I know we can do the urban thing right where we are, but there are still doors open that need to be fully explored with acquiring land, and we need to do so in a timely way. So we keep plugging along...and providing cryptic nonsensical updates here to that effect. But there are tangible things to do, some of which if successful will allow us to HAVE USEFUL LAND. Meaning animals and fewer restrictions than where we are. Etc, etc.

And now for the gripe summary...

I have a steady husband who is very optimistic. (No gripe about that!) I myself am pretty resiliant and CALM in a variety of situations and circumstances. However, when it comes to incompetence involving taking large amounts of my money and seriously setting back our getting land SOON, when the expectation and all the conversation seemed we were on the brink, well...for some reason this time it felt like it took all the air out of me.

The other thing is that I've been feeling lousy, quasi-lousy, or slightly-less-than-bad...depends on the day which label to apply...for MONTHS now. In June it started, I don't know why. I got a stubborn respiratory infection that almost would go away and then would come back with a vengeance, and I'm not the kind of gal who goes to the doctor. I cleanse, do soup, do over-the-counter if necessary, do herbs. When my knuckles start dragging the floor and I can't speak in coherent sentences and my ear feels like it's inhabited by an expanding golf ball, then I go to the doc. I succumb to prescription meds. I feel the antibiotics wiping out any and all good bacteria in my body along with the bad and I ramp up the probiotics and vitamin C.

Blah blah blah...this is starting to sound like a litany of The Geezer List....corns, bunions, sciatica...I'll try to keep it shorter :)

Anyway, last week's newsworthy (NOT) sucker punch was accompanied by a sprained wrist and the next stage of this confounded respiratory infection that won't go away...going on 4 months now, all told. I've begun feeling sorry for myself. The house needs a deep clean, I need to be industrious, I need to keep walking daily, and I need to feel WELL. So yesterday at the most recent checkup, the doc tells me I'm not responding to any of the antibiotics, and my eardrums and canal look horrible, and she prescribes me what she refers to as The Big Guns, which amounts to the highest concentration of Augmentin I've ever been prescribed and an antifungal, which together cost three figures...good golly :(

This, and I'm the sort of person that avoids antibiotics like the plague (haha little pandemic phraseology fun there) ;-)

The weather is simply beautiful.
I'm grumpy.
My husband is simply wonderful.
I'm grumpy.
I have nothing to feel bad about.
I'm still grumpy.

So I haven't been even coming to the computer.

Oh yeah, and another thing I'm grumpy about (as long as I'm on a whinge binge), is that I have friends who live elsewhere, and family who sporadically get in touch with me via snail mail, but never email or read the blog...and they want to be updated in detail about what's going on with us, but don't have phone time because their lives are too busy. And they have email. But the only emails I get from them are the spams I hate, with silly "forwards" and my email address included on the huge laundry list of group emails they're sending to people I 've never heard of. Ugh.

See? Told you I'm grumpy :)

Let's see...anything else on the grump list, hmmm...

Oh yes.

I'm homesick. This will undoubtedly put me on the Most Thankless Person In The Western Hemisphere category immediately, but I'm a-sayin' it right here..

I MISS THE UPPER 47...namely Tennessee, but you can fill it in with anywhere that has some hardwoods, rolling hills or an occasional small mountain, streams and rivers, pastures and woodlands and four seasons, and wildlife not abundant with alligators/pythons/carnivorous insects/creeping tropical amphibians.
I miss trees turning colors.
I miss being able to SIT ON THE GROUND without being digested by stinging/biting/gnawing/viperous/poisonous/disfiguring things.
I miss laying out on a crooked lawnchair without becoming a fire ant buffet.

And I miss the sound of creeks, streams, and rivers and the cool of the night coming in through the windows... and bundling up and smelling woodsmoke and earth smells ...and having a fireplace or woodburning stove.

I miss really big trees, especially oaks. And dogwoods. And fruit trees like apples.


And the very worst admission....

I'm not a beach person. I can be awed by the sunsets, the wonderful romance of wading at the water's edge, absolutely! Shells, sand between the toes, my sweetheart holding my hand and walking together along the shore...the birds, the salty smells, yes. BUT...

I don't long for that. I long for the creeks, springs, pools, shallow rivers, the talking stones in a trouth stream. Cold mist hanging low in the mornings and deer browsing like ghosts. Flannel shirts.

OK...yes, I'm now officially an ingrate!

Just a homesick one.

Oh, and I miss red clay...can you believe I'd EVER say that? But it grows the best tasting tomatoes I've ever had, and sand doesn't impart that same liveliness to a tomato as that red clay.

Well, now that's off my chest for now.....I'm off to begin re-counting all my blessings and getting over myself...which will be easier if I can just get feeling better. When I'm sick for more than a couple days, guilt sets in and I feel like I'm being useless (well, basically I AM) :) and I feel uninspired. I need a good cry. I've had a few moments like that, but there's just so much to be grateful for, it's impossible to wallow....I'm so thankful to God for SO much.

I'm trying so hard not to be jealous of others right now. I'm just not the jealous sort. But I've actually wrestled with some of those feelings, too...not coveting, but just feelings of sadness like I'm being left behind. Some of this has to do with the fact we're wrestling with restrictions, restrictions, restrictions here in Florida that simply are a non-issue (and cost a HECK of a lot less in all the particulars) in about any other state. But they are entrenched here.

OK, whine over!

Blogger wouldn't let me post pics tonight, or I'd just have put up some update pics of the great growth we've seen in many of the plants Jack transplanted. Hopefully, I'll be able to post them soon :)

And I'll have spent a bit more time reflecting on all the benefits there are to our situation, and being grateful. For SO MANY blessings! And the fact that in fact I'd live among cannibals, leech-infested swamps, and torpedo-sized mosquitos to be with my beloved husband.

But I might still be a tad grumpy ;-)

20 comments:

Melodie said...

Go ahead and vent!I should have nothing to complain about,but I also miss the mountains, especially this time of year.I hate the heat and bugs and humidity and fire ants and humidity..oh did I already name that one........I have everything I ever wanted it is just in the wrong place!

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Sounds like a difficult time. Hope you can get feeling better and get to a better mental place.

Meadowlark said...

You're not THAT weird - I hate the ocean myself.

All the other stuff? I don't have a thing to offer you, except a virtual hug. Useless as it is. :)

Peace to you, my friend.

Michelle said...

Hey, we can't "bear one another's burdens" if we don't know what they are! And you have a lot to share, and that's okay. No one handles long-term illness well, and I do hope the Big Guns wipe out the baddies. Replacing healthy flora is very do-able once you knock out what ails you. And even though I have never lived in Florida, I KNOW you are handling it better than I would, so kudos to you. I'm just glad nothing is wrong with Kaleb; I was a little worried about that at the start of your post!

Wendy said...

It's tough to stay optimistic when it seems so many things are going wrong all at the same time. I have an amazing life, too, but every now then I indulge in a little "woe is me" :). I'm sorry that you're feeling poorly, but I appreciate the fact that you feel comfortable enough with "us" that you can say, "Hey, I feel like crap, and that's how I feel! So, there it is."

About that, though ... have you tried an elimination diet? It's really sounding like a gluten sensitivity or possibly a yeast overgrowth, which means cutting out anything with bread for a couple of weeks. Of course, the excess mucous build-up could be due to milk sensitivity. I'm not a doctor, but you might consider that it's diet-related. A lot of the times it is, and I've found that most doctors are quick with the prescription pad, but very slow with any sort of attempts at diagnosing what might be the root cause. I know you guys have a good diet, but ....

Oh, and just because I like long-distance diagnosing, you might also think about a test for Lyme.

Be well, Robbyn. You're a huge bright spot in the blogosphere, and you've done so much for so many people out here. {{{hugs}}}

edifice rex said...

Hate to hear you have been so sick and having troubles with land and such. Hopefully both will clear up soon. I guess everyone has their times of plenty and of trouble.
See, I live almost where you long for; I have the forest and streams and such but live here alone, so I envy you in a lot of ways. I own a whole valley full of deer and such but can't find one who would want to be with me. You are lucky.

Robbyn said...

Melodie, Ken, MLark, Michelle, Wendy, Annie....thank you all for the great group hug!! I'm imposing the No Whiners rule from here on out (on myself) till the chicken soup kicks my spirits into a better place. Your words have given me the boost I needed...so thank you all again. I still find it remarkable how we internet "neighbors" are the real deal ...I really appreciate your (collective) friendship!

And I'm grateful, truly...for so many things. Thanks for the reminder and the commisseration :)

Robbyn

Fleecenik Farm said...

I've been lurking for a while. But gosh it sounds like life is a little overwhelming.

for the ear I would recommend a little garlic oil with mullein infused in it. Elimination diet sounds like an excellent place to start.

As for the land geesh that stinks. All I can say is we're rooting for you and when you finally find you place this will seem like a distant nightmare.

Oh and I have 20 acres for sale in Maine:) Lots of woods, beaches and snow!

Robbyn said...

Wendy and Fleecenik, I'm looking into the elimination regimens, and we don't do much in the way of processed flours and starches, but I do need to be more careful with the occasional sugar. I'm wondering about the Budwig (sp?) regimen, especially the cottage cheese/flax seed oil/ground flax seed and fruit. I'm desperately trying to find a way to squeeze the budget for more organic produce and less of the meats and veg that aren't. I'm having to get creative with the $$ to do that, but hey, soup's on nearly every night :) Fleecenik, if I don't have fresh mullein, can I use the dried in some garlic oil, or does the store sell mullein in garlic oil?

Jennifer said...

Everyone has to vent sometimes. Sorry to hear about the problems with the attorney...guess there is a reason there are so many bad lawyer jokes, huh. Sorry to hear you have not been feeling well, I hope you are feeling better soon!

Throwback at Trapper Creek said...

Gosh, at least you're honest, and it's your blog - you can vent all you want. I can't help thinking that if things were going better with the lawyer/land stuff you might be able to shake the crud a little better. Nothing like being kicked when you're already down :(

For the record, I dislike the ocean too, and I absolutely hate lawyers. At least Jack and Kaleb are there :) And both would probably follow you to the end of the earth or at least to Tennessee if you took a powder!!

The blogger word verification was rantat so you can rant at us as much as you need :)

Sue said...

Well, it sounds like there is no place to go but UP....
Oh god, did I just sound like one of those awful "life-coaches" on tv???? OMG!
Homesick is a horrible feeling. I don't know what to tell you. Just know that you're doing it for hubby, and maybe someday, someway, you'll get back to where you need to be.
Take care and hope things get better for you!!

karl said...

family who sporadically get in touch with me via snail mail, but "never email or read the blog...and they want to be updated in detail about what's going on with us, but don't have phone time because their lives are too busy. And they have email. But the only emails I get from them are the spams I hate, with silly "forwards" and my email address included on the huge laundry list of group emails they're sending to people I 've never heard of. Ugh."

i thought i was the only one with that exact problem.

i hope you start feeling better soon. i really like the pacific but nothing about the atlantic or the gulf of mexico does anything for me. maybe a road trip in in order? we'd happily host you for a few home cooked meals.

Fleecenik Farm said...

Robbynn, you might find mullein oil or dried mullein in bulk at a health food store. It grows wild around here and I have made a big bed of it in my garden

A good friend recommended this for us when our 3 year old had an ear infection that we treated with antibiotics. She says it has reliably treated her kids ear infections.

You could make some to keep around the house. But to start you can cut some garlic clove and heat it in oil. Then using a dropper pour some warm, not hot, oil in the infected ear.

Oregano also has natural germ fighting properties. I have steeped a bunch in olive oil this past summer. So if we get a bug in the house I use this in my cooking or use it as a dip for french bread (my favorite oil delivery system:)

Also a steam of Eucalyptus oil for you chest might provide some relief as well.

Paulette said...

Being under the weather like you have been almost makes it impossible to be optimistic, you are entitled to feel bad, cry, scream, vent...whatever you want to do. Add the crappy lawyer situation and I'd be wallowing. It somehow makes me feel better when I do it.

I wish you could make a trip to Tennessee, it would do you good. We're 4 hours from Memphis, would love to hook up and and have some BBQ!!

You are blessed to have a wonderful partner and now an awesome dog :-)! It'll work out and you will feel better, meanwhile you manage it however you can.

Hugs :-/
Paulette

Robbyn said...

Jennifer, thanks :) I immediately feel guilty when I gripe, but it looks like the gripe won over the guilt for this post. But I am VERY blessed and grateful!

Nita, ha, the "rantat" verification word...that cracked me up! Yeah, Jack and Kaleb, they're tops :) And oh yes, if we ever get our land I will be dancing and shouting no matter what :)

Sue, ok I'm laughing so hard! That life coach stuff is another pet peeve of mine. I thought a life coach is supposed be go by the name Grandma and Grandpa, or Mom and Dad..? haha Well my favorite phrase of all time (tongue in cheek) HAS to be a tie between "She looks so natural" (said at a viewing at a memorial service) or "We just have to be happy she's in a better place now" (said prior to, during, or after the memorial service) ;-)Actually it's my head I have to get into the right place...we're really doing well in every way (except the crud I need to get well from) Thanks for the encouragement :)

Karl,
If Tabitha's serving any of that homemade turkey pot pie you wrote about, I'm THERE :) I go now to empty my spam from all the folks who can't seem to find anything but the Forward button :)

Robbyn said...

Fleecenik, I'll check out the mullein at the health food store till we can get some going with our herbs...will keep an eye out for some to grow till then. Thanks for the reminder about the oregano...it's been a while since I've used it medicinally but we use it dried as a spice a lot.

Paulette, I would love to be back in TN, and I'm from the Memphis area. If I ever do end up there, I'll let you know because who can resist TN bbq and good company to boot? :)

jack-of-all-thumbs said...

Robbyn,

Very belated comment. Apologies. Augmentin hardly qualifies as big guns. If your MD doesn't have a specific bug (bacteria or fungus) cultured from you and know its antibiotic susceptibility then they are in over their depth. Only then can they target the problem bug with the right antimicrobial. Period.

Robbyn said...

Hi Jack, you know that's the same thing my daughter who's an LPN said. It is time to change, I think. Some of the doc's latest comments make me think she's just not the one that's going to help me the best...time for a referral...

Killi said...

Hugs.

With my parent's help, I was able to buy some land here for my horses after the land I rented for 3 years was taken from me. My Solicitor saw not a penny of his fee until the contracts were signed, exchanged & the land registered to me. The land engineer who checked the stated boundaries with those on the ground was paid AFTER he'd earned every single penny (umm cent ~ despite using the euro, everyone still refers to pennies & pounds!) & he did his job so thoroughly with land maps, satellite photos & walking the boundaries inside & out the fields. 1 area in each field was a bog ~ you could actually walk on the water & he gamely ploughed on regardless. I wish I could loan you Philip Egan to do all your legal work ~ I was that impressed with him. I asked him a couple of non-land related questions for myself & a friend & he researched answers to those for no further charge. I hope you find your place soon

More hugs for the illness & the hiraeth (heart-longing homesickness)