Tuesday, July 31, 2007

This job

the 911 one...is whipping my tail.

I'm having to step aside from my subjective self and take a long, hard look at this situation objectively.

I don't like to fail, and that's pretty much the bottom line.

I've hit a wall in my training, and that wall will either give way, or I will. It's week seven, my fourth on the floor "live" on the phones, and I'm simply not making the grade, though I've survived up to this point. Either my learning curve will get a better pulse, or it will flatline.

In order to have made this opportunity possible, we've now taken on a used car and its subsequent expenses, since it's an hour away and no other "real jobs" have materialized closer. I'm feeling incredible pressure, mostly from my own expectations, but also due to the fact my "radio ear" is not very practiced, and I'm making so many mistakes.

Is it somehow a disadvantage that it's usually come easy to me academically and creatively to excel at things? I've multitasked, problem-solved, and been a facilitator for years now in so many areas, but those areas have never been organized into anything consistently income-producing. Now that something is actually NOT easy and is NOT being excelled at, I'm struggling with a lot of exasperation with myself, and disappointment, frustration, and determination.

At what point determination bows to performance has yet to be...well...determined.

My body's still not adjusted to the changing hours, shifts, and scheduling. I've not been here to the blog till just today, even after my recent resolution to just come here for 30 minutes and catch up with the long overdue blogroll, and etc.

Well, this is the short version. The clock shows my countdown to the next endurance run, and I still have meal, laundry, ironing and sleep to go before I get up and do it all again.

I'm really praying for some guidance in all this, and direction. And courage if I DO, in the end, come up on the short end of the stick as far as being able to do this job well. Courage not to see THAT failure as a personal failure.

If that's possible...

Low mood today, but determined to see this through the rough spot...to see what's on the other side. If I do fail, I'll have stuck it out to the last possible moment. Unlike the newly-released Harry Potter book, with THIS story there's no flipping to the last chapter to see what'll happen.

And so, for now, on to another page...

More updates later :)


tina f. said...

I wasn't sure what to say but wanted to give you some encouragement. Here's a quote from Willis Reed: "Go for the moon. If you don't get it you'll still be heading for a star." Hang in there!

Robbyn said...

Thank you, Tina! I'm not sure what'll end up happening, but I know change is always a given and we're doing what we're doing with the best ends in mind. Thanks for the encouragement :)